Today is World Autism Awareness Day. I shared a beautiful picture of my daughter H, along with my sentiments, on Facebook this morning, and am in awe of the response. In just under two hours, it's been shared nearly 80 times, and 73 of those people I don't even know.
To me, sharing that post is spreading awareness. And spreading awareness is guiding understanding. Understanding is forgoing judgement. Forgoing judgement leads to compassion. Compassion brings acceptance.
"We're 'Lighting It Up Blue' in honor of our daughter Hayden. She was dx'd with Autism at 4 1/2 years old. Her amazing soul has taught us how to learn different, express different and love different. Her heart is tender. She finds beauty in things most of us don't pay attention to. Once you crack her code and are embraced into her world, she gives you non-judged, whole-hearted, never-ending endearment. The most common misconception about her is that she's rude and unhappy. When in turn, Autism clouds her emotions, and those who don't understand it, simply don't get it. She's faced "friends" making fun of her Autism, being left out, and many, many learning challenges. In turn, her internal world...her home, her family and our very close family friends reap the benefits of her amazing gifts. Her laughter, her smiling eyes and her trust is a far better reward than any material item. She wants what everybody wants...to be accepted. To be liked. To be smart. She has taught me more about life and unconditional love in 10 years with us, than I've gathered in my whole life. Without her, I would not be who I am today. She gives me strength, confidence, joy, tears, frustration and eternal happiness. Today, on worldwide Autism Awareness Day, we Light It Up Blue for our Hayden Cate! Spread the word.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Wine, patience and energy needed..STAT
Is it too early for a drink????? If I could order an IV of pinot grigio to be delivered here by 4p, that would be swell. First one on it gets a gold star!
Oh.my.gaaaawwwd! If this week doesn't do me in, then kudos to myself for surviving. Myself because I have nobody else to thank but me, for getting me through this week. It has been entirely exhausting, stressful, annoying and downright crappy.
I don't love spending Spring break like this. I definitely don't like my girls to be subjected to turmoil like this. BUT, lucky for me, they hardly know anything is off. They've really kept busy and entertained themselves all week, needing very minimal interference from me. Yay and bleh!
Grandpa came back home on Sunday and made a phone call to his estranged broad on Sunday night that has set him back mentally and emotionally about six weeks. I won't go into details because they don't matter, but his Ex (we're going to call her that for the fact that legalizing that is in the process...although I don't understand why since he pines for her) and her deranged son-in-law bs'd, lied, manipulated him into false hope, made him question his faith in his own kids and completely and utterly hung up and left me to deal with a mess.
That mess has consisted of much doubt. Confusion. Tears. Anger. Aggression. Frustration. Heartbreak. And for three full days, I've played shrink. Although it was suggested again to me that he needs to see one. I kindly rebutted that I don't have anymore room on my plate to add a shrink right now. I found him a couple counselors when he first arrived and got settled, but his schedule is so packed with dr appts and therapies, and I still work...or have a job, at least, in addition to our family life. Which that schedule is no walk in the park, either! I just didn't have time in my life for a meltdown this week! And I know, that sounds so callous and selfish, but these ledge removal sessions are so involved and energy sucking and last for so many hours (or days in this instance)...and I really believed the worst was behind us...that I was completely unprepared.
This week I've got one of the biggest events of the year to finalize and put together before show time on Saturday.
The kids are home on their second week of break.
It's March. The event world is crazy busy and gets really unhappy to keep reaching voicemail!
3 OT sessions, 2 PT sessions, 1 speech session.
Math tutor.
Med checks.
Dance.
No husband on Weds.
Dentist appointment.
And payroll is due!
And this week dwarfs next week!!!
So! I'm venting...not regretting, just for the record! ;)
I expected him to have setbacks, but didn't expect a regression to come in at the magnitude of this one. And I sure as shit wasn't prepared for it the night we got home from our vacation. I'll be making to Total Wine soon....if I can energize myself to get out of the house after everyone goes to bed and my responsibilities are over for the day...to stock up for the next one. Because good lordy, I'm not sure if I can handle another week like this unmedicated!!
Oh.my.gaaaawwwd! If this week doesn't do me in, then kudos to myself for surviving. Myself because I have nobody else to thank but me, for getting me through this week. It has been entirely exhausting, stressful, annoying and downright crappy.
I don't love spending Spring break like this. I definitely don't like my girls to be subjected to turmoil like this. BUT, lucky for me, they hardly know anything is off. They've really kept busy and entertained themselves all week, needing very minimal interference from me. Yay and bleh!
Grandpa came back home on Sunday and made a phone call to his estranged broad on Sunday night that has set him back mentally and emotionally about six weeks. I won't go into details because they don't matter, but his Ex (we're going to call her that for the fact that legalizing that is in the process...although I don't understand why since he pines for her) and her deranged son-in-law bs'd, lied, manipulated him into false hope, made him question his faith in his own kids and completely and utterly hung up and left me to deal with a mess.
That mess has consisted of much doubt. Confusion. Tears. Anger. Aggression. Frustration. Heartbreak. And for three full days, I've played shrink. Although it was suggested again to me that he needs to see one. I kindly rebutted that I don't have anymore room on my plate to add a shrink right now. I found him a couple counselors when he first arrived and got settled, but his schedule is so packed with dr appts and therapies, and I still work...or have a job, at least, in addition to our family life. Which that schedule is no walk in the park, either! I just didn't have time in my life for a meltdown this week! And I know, that sounds so callous and selfish, but these ledge removal sessions are so involved and energy sucking and last for so many hours (or days in this instance)...and I really believed the worst was behind us...that I was completely unprepared.
This week I've got one of the biggest events of the year to finalize and put together before show time on Saturday.
The kids are home on their second week of break.
It's March. The event world is crazy busy and gets really unhappy to keep reaching voicemail!
3 OT sessions, 2 PT sessions, 1 speech session.
Math tutor.
Med checks.
Dance.
No husband on Weds.
Dentist appointment.
And payroll is due!
And this week dwarfs next week!!!
So! I'm venting...not regretting, just for the record! ;)
I expected him to have setbacks, but didn't expect a regression to come in at the magnitude of this one. And I sure as shit wasn't prepared for it the night we got home from our vacation. I'll be making to Total Wine soon....if I can energize myself to get out of the house after everyone goes to bed and my responsibilities are over for the day...to stock up for the next one. Because good lordy, I'm not sure if I can handle another week like this unmedicated!!
Random rambles after a vacation!
We went on a vacation, a much needed family vacation with just the four of us. A family vacation, big deal. Well, yah, it was a really big deal. The changes that have gone on over the last few months have put our family time on the back burner. So to go away together and not have to worry about anyone else's needs, cares, feelings, for six days was an absolute dream!
This vacation was unlike any other we've taken. We usually scoot to no schedule, don't look at clocks, and spend our days lazing in the sand. But last week we ran like each day was our last! We beached, biked, shopped, ate and Disney'd. Such a fun, albeit exhausting, week!
For one week we checked out of reality. And we enjoyed ourselves immensely. It reminded me how important it is to try and find time to make our family the priority.
Grandpa cannot be left alone for long, but refuses to be left alone at all. I used to have about 4 minutes to myself daily, after I dropped the kids off at school on my drive home, and most recently, he's decided he wants to go on that trek, too. Over our vacation I decided that upon our return, and once the kids are back to school, I'm going to make it more of a priority to be firm on a few minutes to myself each day, and try and carve out some family time each week. I'm thinking this will be by way of a bike ride. Or even if we all go into the backyard and enjoy some time in the yard, not talking about Grandpa's miseries, and investing that energy into our girls' well being. Their ideas, excitement and stories, their interests.
Grandpa loves to be involved in our lives. He likes the energy around here, he says. I need to restructure a few things to make him more a part of our lives, and less of our lives revolving around him!
This vacation was unlike any other we've taken. We usually scoot to no schedule, don't look at clocks, and spend our days lazing in the sand. But last week we ran like each day was our last! We beached, biked, shopped, ate and Disney'd. Such a fun, albeit exhausting, week!
For one week we checked out of reality. And we enjoyed ourselves immensely. It reminded me how important it is to try and find time to make our family the priority.
Grandpa cannot be left alone for long, but refuses to be left alone at all. I used to have about 4 minutes to myself daily, after I dropped the kids off at school on my drive home, and most recently, he's decided he wants to go on that trek, too. Over our vacation I decided that upon our return, and once the kids are back to school, I'm going to make it more of a priority to be firm on a few minutes to myself each day, and try and carve out some family time each week. I'm thinking this will be by way of a bike ride. Or even if we all go into the backyard and enjoy some time in the yard, not talking about Grandpa's miseries, and investing that energy into our girls' well being. Their ideas, excitement and stories, their interests.
Grandpa loves to be involved in our lives. He likes the energy around here, he says. I need to restructure a few things to make him more a part of our lives, and less of our lives revolving around him!
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
"How's your week going?"
How's your week going? Welp, that's a loaded question. I think. Is it? Hmm.
How's my week? Well, how's yours?
Am I losing my social skills already?! I have been asked that question a few times over the last couple of days, and that's literally how I respond. Because truly, do you want to know the details of my week? Do I say "it's good". When in reality, it's not bad. But I mean, it's also not stellar. Is it just a casual...don't know what else to say after "hi"...so following it up with a formality?
I was laughing about this today all by myself. And then I stopped and asked myself as I shuffled a load of laundry. How IS your week going? I really think I may have even asked myself out loud!
Is that what you day when you hang with an elder-folk all day? You begin talking to yourself?
My week started on Sunday evening. Getting the kids ready for the school week, the Dude ready for the work week...although he's been forced to become more self-sufficient with that most recently. Actually more like completely self-sufficient. I think he's been laundering his own work clothes and making his own lunches. Or probably buying lunch. I think his clothes are clean? But that's neither here nor there. Or maybe it is. I duhno. On Sunday evening after I wrote my menu out for the week (I began meal planning for 30 days at a time on 1/1 and I have to say, I think it's absolutely saving my ass these days.) Then I sat down with my beautiful calendar. It's color coded--a different color for each family member in my most favorite type of pen. Our newest family member now has his own color on my calendar, so I can keep his stuff straight too.
Out the door Monday morning for an Internist appt. Did you know Internist is a fancy word for older people to call their primary care doctor? My mother gave me the referral for Pops and now I'm wondering why my mother sees an Internist. She's still only 40 in my mind! Good news, he liked the PA. So-so news, at 14 minutes in the waiting room he was ready to walk out. Good news, at 14.01 they called his name. So-so news, he has seasonal allergies (add that to another reason he hates living in AZ). Good news, the tech at Walgreens wasn't a "kid" and made him happy by telling him his discount was still avail. So-so news, they'd text me when the rx was ready and we couldn't walk away with it immediately. Good news...the Internist referred him to a PT, OT and ST. So-so news...he was emotional and I had to talk him off the proverbial ledge again today. Good news...all of the above lead me to opportunities to use these examples as moments to reach out and talk about patience and attitude and acceptance.
Onward. The guy had a dentist appt (Yikes..$$$$..but YAY for keeping his appt!), Tutor sessions, dance lessons, Fidge's dr appt, H's ortho appointment all squeezed in there. And then of course the pop-ups. Like Fidge's math review that came to a head, PT calling and asking if they could show up in one hour, emotional meltdowns from Pops..(life is a big adjustment for him) and my job. I work a j-o-b, too.
So how's my week going? I answered that question while loading the denim into the dryer...
I am able to love and care for my family, my wonderful little family. And as our family has grown by one under our roof, it's added something more. It's showing my kids, first hand, a completely different level of compassion, empathy and kindness. I have the ability and freedom to stand up for my girls and fight for their better good. To appreciate my life, the choices I have. The opportunities I'm given. I'm allowed to seize the moment when I want and completely freak the eff out, when I need. Tomorrow night, I'm carving time out for myself with my girlfriends. I'm lucky. I'm blessed. I'm exhausted. I'm emotionally spent (today). I'm behind on work. I'm loved. I'm appreciated. I'm content.
My week is going well, I'm doing exactly the things I live for. The things I've chosen. And I'm really happy about that.
How's my week? Well, how's yours?
Am I losing my social skills already?! I have been asked that question a few times over the last couple of days, and that's literally how I respond. Because truly, do you want to know the details of my week? Do I say "it's good". When in reality, it's not bad. But I mean, it's also not stellar. Is it just a casual...don't know what else to say after "hi"...so following it up with a formality?
I was laughing about this today all by myself. And then I stopped and asked myself as I shuffled a load of laundry. How IS your week going? I really think I may have even asked myself out loud!
Is that what you day when you hang with an elder-folk all day? You begin talking to yourself?
My week started on Sunday evening. Getting the kids ready for the school week, the Dude ready for the work week...although he's been forced to become more self-sufficient with that most recently. Actually more like completely self-sufficient. I think he's been laundering his own work clothes and making his own lunches. Or probably buying lunch. I think his clothes are clean? But that's neither here nor there. Or maybe it is. I duhno. On Sunday evening after I wrote my menu out for the week (I began meal planning for 30 days at a time on 1/1 and I have to say, I think it's absolutely saving my ass these days.) Then I sat down with my beautiful calendar. It's color coded--a different color for each family member in my most favorite type of pen. Our newest family member now has his own color on my calendar, so I can keep his stuff straight too.
Out the door Monday morning for an Internist appt. Did you know Internist is a fancy word for older people to call their primary care doctor? My mother gave me the referral for Pops and now I'm wondering why my mother sees an Internist. She's still only 40 in my mind! Good news, he liked the PA. So-so news, at 14 minutes in the waiting room he was ready to walk out. Good news, at 14.01 they called his name. So-so news, he has seasonal allergies (add that to another reason he hates living in AZ). Good news, the tech at Walgreens wasn't a "kid" and made him happy by telling him his discount was still avail. So-so news, they'd text me when the rx was ready and we couldn't walk away with it immediately. Good news...the Internist referred him to a PT, OT and ST. So-so news...he was emotional and I had to talk him off the proverbial ledge again today. Good news...all of the above lead me to opportunities to use these examples as moments to reach out and talk about patience and attitude and acceptance.
Onward. The guy had a dentist appt (Yikes..$$$$..but YAY for keeping his appt!), Tutor sessions, dance lessons, Fidge's dr appt, H's ortho appointment all squeezed in there. And then of course the pop-ups. Like Fidge's math review that came to a head, PT calling and asking if they could show up in one hour, emotional meltdowns from Pops..(life is a big adjustment for him) and my job. I work a j-o-b, too.
So how's my week going? I answered that question while loading the denim into the dryer...
I am able to love and care for my family, my wonderful little family. And as our family has grown by one under our roof, it's added something more. It's showing my kids, first hand, a completely different level of compassion, empathy and kindness. I have the ability and freedom to stand up for my girls and fight for their better good. To appreciate my life, the choices I have. The opportunities I'm given. I'm allowed to seize the moment when I want and completely freak the eff out, when I need. Tomorrow night, I'm carving time out for myself with my girlfriends. I'm lucky. I'm blessed. I'm exhausted. I'm emotionally spent (today). I'm behind on work. I'm loved. I'm appreciated. I'm content.
My week is going well, I'm doing exactly the things I live for. The things I've chosen. And I'm really happy about that.
I drove that bus
Figuratively speaking. "Drive that bus" is my very own coined phrase on taking charge of things. Those things usually pertain to my kids education.
So anyhow. I received a phone call from the SSC from our school at 8:30am this morning. She and the psych(o) reviewed Fidge's evals from early 2013 and lo and behold, she's able to qualify for resource help in math afterall. Noooo kidding! Duh! I wouldn't have gone absolutely bazerk on being shut down, if I didn't believe she did!
Small victory. Well, pretty large one in this instance. Wonderful victory. We'll take it.
School's out next week for most of March, and we can take a break from all of that stuff. Well, besides studying and tutor. A break longer than a few days is detrimental to my girls' memory. So we can't throw in the towel and shut it down completely, like many kids can. BUT...we don't need to worry about what our next move is just yet. We sit down on 3/26, to accommodate our second IEP in this small family, and get this girl some extra help, in math, during the school hours. Bus driven!
Now where's the wine???
So anyhow. I received a phone call from the SSC from our school at 8:30am this morning. She and the psych(o) reviewed Fidge's evals from early 2013 and lo and behold, she's able to qualify for resource help in math afterall. Noooo kidding! Duh! I wouldn't have gone absolutely bazerk on being shut down, if I didn't believe she did!
Small victory. Well, pretty large one in this instance. Wonderful victory. We'll take it.
School's out next week for most of March, and we can take a break from all of that stuff. Well, besides studying and tutor. A break longer than a few days is detrimental to my girls' memory. So we can't throw in the towel and shut it down completely, like many kids can. BUT...we don't need to worry about what our next move is just yet. We sit down on 3/26, to accommodate our second IEP in this small family, and get this girl some extra help, in math, during the school hours. Bus driven!
Now where's the wine???
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Story of my life..Fidge
No, I'm not talking about the One Direction song. I'm talking about the proverbial walls I hit so often, when it comes to support for my children.
"Advomommy,
I have known you long enough and adore you too much for you to worry about such things… We are a TEAM-and as teammates-it’s important for us to communicate our frustrations when we have them. I am hopeful that "Woman" and the team can help and support you through your concerns.
Wise Advise by Advomommy: The principal is always a good one to have on your side. Whether you like the principal or not. So burning a bridge with her is not a smart one.
Another UPDATE. They just keep coming!:
Woman called me and let me know that she's in touch with district psych(o)<---she's not my favorite 20-something year old---> and they're going to pull Fidge's charts and come up with a plan for her. She's not sure what type of plan yet, as they need to hash some things out. But to expect a call from her by 5:00pm tomorrow evening.
This is what being an advocate mom (advomommy) is all about. The job never ends. It's ever revolving and constantly changing. And sadly, in my years of maternal advocacy, I've often noticed it takes a couple steps backward for every half step forward. But the bottom line is that; More Wise Advise by Advomommy: Nobody is ever going to take your child's well being and best interest at heart the way a parent will. Take heed that NO, NEVER MEANS NO. It simply (or complicatedly) means take a few steps sideways, get into position and resist as hard as you can. Eventually what you are resisting against will weaken, and finally falter, and you will have succeeded. Hence my motto, 'Celebrate the small victories". And by goodness, we do.
Wish me luck for tomorrow. Fingers crossed. (Told you I'll be asking for luck often.)
There's nothing more that I hate, than being at the mercy of somebody who is just collecting a paycheck.
So, in short. Fidge is failing math. And it's not a ...she doesn't do the work, could care less...kind of failing. She has a processing and development deficit in addition to severe ADHD of the hyperactive sort. If you're up and up on ADHD, you know about the difference. Anyhoo. Her deficit has haunted us literally from 6 minutes post birth, until about 5 years old. Then Kindergarten hit, and Kinder is fun and games. So we buried the deficit and thought she had overcome!
And then first grade came. And her teacher, realized, without knowing the full extent of her health and development history, that she had some learning struggles. Her teacher is a wonderful teacher. An advocate for her students. A teacher who gave up social work about ten years ago to become a teacher because it was her dream. Yes, one of those rare teachers who are still in the field, before the current system burns them out and sends them running.
Anyhow, once her teacher approached us about her concerns, I filled her in on Fidge's health and development history and she proceeded to order evals for her. In short, Fidge has some learning challenges. She was given a 505 in early 2013. Her 504 addresses accommodations such as small group testing, and several math accommodations. Fast forward to the same time 2014, and Fidge's deficit is growing. And now it's affecting her confidence and well being.
Her teacher told me of her game plan...take this to the school's designated RTI team and discuss options for Fidge. So she did. It was presented and poo-poo'd. I won't go into great detail about the people on the RTI team, but in short, the lead is a person who should not be leading anything at a school..unless it's the line to the nearest Circle K, and the second is just as bad. They work other avenues of the school, but neither maintain a class with children. They're two people I haven't been able to tolerate since H was in the first grade, due to how they treated her, and witnessed by another teacher, and brought to my attention.
Anyhow...I'm circular talking again, when in fact I was supposed to keep this short.
Fidge's teacher presented her case, asking what the school can do to help her. She's had all the evals done last year, and with all of her accommodations in place, she's still not doing well. Welp. They veto'd any further assistance and said that it's something that can be looked at once she's in the third grade. AAAAAHHHH. I'm so upset. SO UPSET. Are you kidding me? So...I wrote a letter to the school services coordinator. She and I have a good rapport, considering all we do for H. Let's see how she responds. Because next up...I'ma go batshit crazy is they don't help my kid!!!
" As I believe you're aware, Fidge is seriously struggling in math this year. If she were given a letter grade, she would currently be failing. She is on a 504 plan that was put into place in early 2013. Ms. Wonderteacher has been her teacher for both school years and is continually working really, really hard with Fidge on trying to overcome her deficit. Which, unfortunately, is continuing to grow, despite all the efforts of the mild accommodations she has, the extra outsourced tutoring we're getting for her weekly, and the continuous practice we maintain with her at home.
This morning, Ms. Wonderteacher gave me an update on where the school is at with Fidge, regarding this. As you can imagine, I'm extremely disappointed and frustrated that it was decided to let the rest of the school year go by, before assessing what further assistance she may need in the 3rd grade.
If only those who made this decision can see what Ms. Wonderteacher and Ms. Allthedadsthinksheshot see in her during math. Fidge is not a student who doesn't try, she has an amazing spirit and a thirst for learning. However, math has put a really dark cloud over her, so much so that we've all seen a complete slide in her confidence. She feels like a failure and often cries over her frustration for not being able to understand math. Her teacher has tried every avenue she could, before coming to the conclusion that Fidge needs further reinforcement. We feel that Ms. Wonderteacher has taken the proper channels and been in wonderful communication with us every step of the way, in regards to Fidge's math challenges. She's been advocating for our daughter, and unfortunately, to me, it feels like we've all hit a brick wall.
Her teachers see her deficit. We see her deficit. Her tutor sees her deficit. I'm quite confused how it can be decided by those who have no firsthand experience with her in math, that she cannot have extra help until being re-evaluated in the third grade.
There is a lot of time that passes between mid first grade and early third grade; and as you know, what is learned in math from mid first to early third is worlds apart. We're so fearful that Fidge is going to continue on in math without making progress, which is a proven fact looking at her scores, and that this deficit is going to be too great for her to overcome.
Please don't let AcmeSchool fail her. Please tell me what AcmeSchool can do to support her with supplemental help at the school. At AcmeSchool "each child is.....capable of success". Please don't MAKE her fall through the cracks.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, Woman. Please let me know what we can do to move forward in a positive direction with Fidge."
Wish us luck.Take note, I'll be asking for luck often. Quite often.
UPDATE:
About thirty minutes later, I was in the office signing Fidge out for a doctor appointment, when the Principal heard my voice in the lobby and called me into her office. She proceed to try and tell me about this new "fabulous" group that they started at the school, etc, etc., when I cut her off to tell her I was well aware of it. She then told me that we're the "guinea pigs" trying out this new format, and asked me if I'd read the letter she had comprised and give her feedback on it. Is it too wordy? Too much "educator's jargin and not enough facts and simplicities", etc. Ugggghhh....she caught me at the wrong moment. I proceeded to tell her I'm sickened by the idea that my child is the guinea pig for this program. That I know everything needs a starting point, but I'm so NOT in support of their findings, that this new group is an absolute crock. She looked at me a bit dumbfounded. You see, I may be one of very few parents who's ever taken a cross tone or issue, with this Principal. I've supported her in a lot of ways, and have noticed that I'm a parent she calls upon for feedback often. Once I saw her expression, I realized that I just went off on my kid's principal. Eeks! I stopped myself and told her I have already reached out to "Woman" to see what can be done, but if I didn't think it was acceptable, that I would be calling upon her for help and support, and we parted ways.
So. Allll the way to the doctor's office, I fretted about my behavior. So much so that I sent her an email:
" Yo Principal,
I'm so sorry for my response this morning. I've obviously got some frustration, but have taken the proper avenue to seek answers. I did not mean to unload on you. I know you didn't seek me out this morning, with expectations I'd respond that way. My sincerest apologies.
-Advomama"
To which she replied:
I have known you long enough and adore you too much for you to worry about such things… We are a TEAM-and as teammates-it’s important for us to communicate our frustrations when we have them. I am hopeful that "Woman" and the team can help and support you through your concerns.
Yo Principal xx"
Wise Advise by Advomommy: The principal is always a good one to have on your side. Whether you like the principal or not. So burning a bridge with her is not a smart one.
Another UPDATE. They just keep coming!:
Woman called me and let me know that she's in touch with district psych(o)<---she's not my favorite 20-something year old---> and they're going to pull Fidge's charts and come up with a plan for her. She's not sure what type of plan yet, as they need to hash some things out. But to expect a call from her by 5:00pm tomorrow evening.
This is what being an advocate mom (advomommy) is all about. The job never ends. It's ever revolving and constantly changing. And sadly, in my years of maternal advocacy, I've often noticed it takes a couple steps backward for every half step forward. But the bottom line is that; More Wise Advise by Advomommy: Nobody is ever going to take your child's well being and best interest at heart the way a parent will. Take heed that NO, NEVER MEANS NO. It simply (or complicatedly) means take a few steps sideways, get into position and resist as hard as you can. Eventually what you are resisting against will weaken, and finally falter, and you will have succeeded. Hence my motto, 'Celebrate the small victories". And by goodness, we do.
Wish me luck for tomorrow. Fingers crossed. (Told you I'll be asking for luck often.)
Monday, February 24, 2014
On her own..H
My oldest daughter, H, is 10 years old. I've abbreviated her name, not on purpose. She prefers to go by H, plain and simple. I gave my kids names that couldn't be 'nicked', as I always hated having a nickname. And lo and behold the girl condenses hers down as far as it can go!
H was diagnosed with Autism about 5 1/2 yrs ago. Many folks, teachers, family members, love to tell me how they just can't tell she's "Autistic". Which is a word that I loathe in and of itself. That she seems so 'normal', until they get to know her, then they understand. Once in awhile I feel like replying, "Hey asshole, I didn't think you were an idiot. But once I got to know you, I totally get it now". But I'd never, as that wouldn't make me any better than them. Although, I wouldn't put it past me. I'm sure someday I'll say it. But truly, to try and figure out the varying realm of the Autism spectrum is quite puzzling. Hence the worldwide logo being a puzzle piece, I s'pose.
I've totally digressed. And multiple times up there. Good luck trying to decipher my own circular thoughts. (Save for another post down the road!)
H has had friend 'issues' since Kindergarten. Not really problems with friends, just doesn't really have friends. Now that being said...you walk down a hallway at her school with her and everyone is very friendly. Shouts of "hi", quick questions or "see you tomorrow" bounce off the walls. But when it comes to an actual connection with her peers, she's lacking.
One of the most obvious forms of Autism, to people who don't know much about it, is social interaction. So it's not like this comes out of left field. However, I can name plenty of typical kids, who seem to struggle socially too. H really has a hard time making a connection, keeping focus and staying relevant. She also struggles with expression.
And that concludes my preface.
H has this friend. They've been on and off friends for a couple years. Only "off" when said friend decides it's a no friend day. Or week. This little girl is an only child. And she is bossy. And quite honestly, she's not even a 'popular' girl who's up on the latest and greatest. She's just found two girls that she can manipulate seven ways to Sunday. H is friends with her, and one other little girl that she's been friends with since Kindergarten. Other friend is a lot like Hayden in the sense that she's a follower. Hayden is a follower. The friend, the not-so-nice-friend has decided at times to make fun of H's "Autistic". And that's literally how she does it, says it. "H, what's wrong with your Autistic today?" "HaHa, H's Autistic makes her not smart. Makes her go to resource". Blah blah blah. H's shed many tears over this. And rightfully so. I've shed many tears over this. And rightfully so.
Sadly, you see, I'm not too terribly surprised by it. Hurt. Yes. Sad. Yes. Surprised. No.
One day friend's Dad and I took the girls to a special playdate. While we were at this special playdate he proceeds to ask me if H has "The Autism". A friend of his wife's told them that H has "The Autism" after they noticed she was at this little girl's birthday party in 2013. I obliged him and told him she does. He asked me what's affected by "The Autism" with H, and I told him that one of the biggest challenges for her is people not understanding, truly, what Autism is, and making judgement against her. Thinking she's Weird, Rude, Ignorant.
As a mother, I'd love to protect my baby, coddle her, roll her up like a teeny tiny burrito and rock her til the hurt goes away like I did when she was little. I also wouldn't mind giving this friend's parents a piece of my mind. But..that's teaching her nothing. So when she comes home and makes small mention of how friend treated her that day, I give her the response I think I need to be. When she comes home and tells me how friend told her she needs to be treating others. I get a bit amp'd, reminding her that she's been on the receiving end of that type of behavior, and ask her how it felt. I don't know what she processes, or how well she does. Or maybe I didn't. Until today.
Since last Thursday, little bits of friend's nastiness have been disclosed to me. Then tears. Next, what H calls her "broken heart". It was the weekend, so I guess she really soaked it all in after a couple days of a break.
Last night at dinner, she tells us she's going to have a talk with both of her friends. It started with talking to the nice friend, about how they make her feel left out. And it hurts her feelings when they are eating lunch and friend nasty friend tells other friend to be done, and they up and leave H. I told her, who wouldn't feel hurt and left out? That's normal. I also let her know that it's not normal to be mean and inconsiderate, but unfortunately, it's common.
I'm going to fast forward. I pick H up from school today and she CANNOT WAIT to tell me about her day. My first thought was that nasty friend decided to be nice, and all was well. Boy, could I not be more wrong. H told both of her friends that she needed to talk to them. She said the conversation took up their entire lunch recess.
She started by telling them that they've been friends for so long, friends should be able to tell each other anything. She proceeded with examples of how they leave her out and make her feel sad and unwanted. Whispers, private jokes, ditching her at lunch. But also put it on nasty friend, for being "bossy and pushy". Told her that she cannot force people to do things they don't want. And maybe nice friend wants to do those things to H, but at least they both should know that she is "an average kid, with average feelings, just like them." Holy Crap! It's all I could do to contain myself listening to her. She THEN proceeded to tell nasty, bossy friend that she needs to put herself in Freddy's shoes, and Gabriel's shoes. That spreading the rumor that Freddy has the "Freddy Touch" is NOT ok. And telling people that Gabriel is weird is NOT ok. And how would she feel if people said that about her. Nasty friend said she wouldn't care. She THEN told her that making fun of Shauna's clothes is no reason to not like Shauna, and no reason to treat Shauna bad. She THEN told her she is NOT ok with being around her while she's treating her bad or being mean to others. She THEN told nasty friend, it's not worth it to be friends with her anymore. SHOCK. SHOCK. SHOCK. This blew my mind. This whole conversation blew my mind. Other than me telling her, if she's so bugged by how they leave her out, to tell them. And in no way would we stand for her making fun of kids, ever..even if in play, she comprised this conversation ALL ON HER OWN. She made such a grown up decision. And also, stood up for herself, and for others. I imagine that wasn't easy. I imagine her gut was riddled all weekend (because I know her!). But good grief, she must've been really fed up. When all was said and done, nice friend asked if they are still friends. She said "of course, but you can't leave me out and tell secrets in front of my face if we are going to be friends". Right before she walked away, she also let nasty friend know it's time to quit making fun of her last name. Who knows why, but the girl makes fun of it.
After H unloaded all of this, I praised her. Tried my best to love on her (she's not affectionate and isn't really into that!), and let her know that girls are DRAMA. That this will not be the first, or last time, that she's going to feel all of these emotions. She's going to get upset, get treated bad, get her feelings hurt, get left out, and on and on. But if she can always remember to be true to herself, she will be the winner in the end. And then there's the flip-side paranoid mom in me, that worries so bad about the fallout from her honesty. She is blatantly honest to a fault. And it scares the bejeezis out of me that if she is too honest, it could become a really bad situation for her. Such a fine line, and a hard one to try and explain to her, all the while supporting her.
H was diagnosed with Autism about 5 1/2 yrs ago. Many folks, teachers, family members, love to tell me how they just can't tell she's "Autistic". Which is a word that I loathe in and of itself. That she seems so 'normal', until they get to know her, then they understand. Once in awhile I feel like replying, "Hey asshole, I didn't think you were an idiot. But once I got to know you, I totally get it now". But I'd never, as that wouldn't make me any better than them. Although, I wouldn't put it past me. I'm sure someday I'll say it. But truly, to try and figure out the varying realm of the Autism spectrum is quite puzzling. Hence the worldwide logo being a puzzle piece, I s'pose.
I've totally digressed. And multiple times up there. Good luck trying to decipher my own circular thoughts. (Save for another post down the road!)
H has had friend 'issues' since Kindergarten. Not really problems with friends, just doesn't really have friends. Now that being said...you walk down a hallway at her school with her and everyone is very friendly. Shouts of "hi", quick questions or "see you tomorrow" bounce off the walls. But when it comes to an actual connection with her peers, she's lacking.
One of the most obvious forms of Autism, to people who don't know much about it, is social interaction. So it's not like this comes out of left field. However, I can name plenty of typical kids, who seem to struggle socially too. H really has a hard time making a connection, keeping focus and staying relevant. She also struggles with expression.
And that concludes my preface.
H has this friend. They've been on and off friends for a couple years. Only "off" when said friend decides it's a no friend day. Or week. This little girl is an only child. And she is bossy. And quite honestly, she's not even a 'popular' girl who's up on the latest and greatest. She's just found two girls that she can manipulate seven ways to Sunday. H is friends with her, and one other little girl that she's been friends with since Kindergarten. Other friend is a lot like Hayden in the sense that she's a follower. Hayden is a follower. The friend, the not-so-nice-friend has decided at times to make fun of H's "Autistic". And that's literally how she does it, says it. "H, what's wrong with your Autistic today?" "HaHa, H's Autistic makes her not smart. Makes her go to resource". Blah blah blah. H's shed many tears over this. And rightfully so. I've shed many tears over this. And rightfully so.
Sadly, you see, I'm not too terribly surprised by it. Hurt. Yes. Sad. Yes. Surprised. No.
One day friend's Dad and I took the girls to a special playdate. While we were at this special playdate he proceeds to ask me if H has "The Autism". A friend of his wife's told them that H has "The Autism" after they noticed she was at this little girl's birthday party in 2013. I obliged him and told him she does. He asked me what's affected by "The Autism" with H, and I told him that one of the biggest challenges for her is people not understanding, truly, what Autism is, and making judgement against her. Thinking she's Weird, Rude, Ignorant.
As a mother, I'd love to protect my baby, coddle her, roll her up like a teeny tiny burrito and rock her til the hurt goes away like I did when she was little. I also wouldn't mind giving this friend's parents a piece of my mind. But..that's teaching her nothing. So when she comes home and makes small mention of how friend treated her that day, I give her the response I think I need to be. When she comes home and tells me how friend told her she needs to be treating others. I get a bit amp'd, reminding her that she's been on the receiving end of that type of behavior, and ask her how it felt. I don't know what she processes, or how well she does. Or maybe I didn't. Until today.
Since last Thursday, little bits of friend's nastiness have been disclosed to me. Then tears. Next, what H calls her "broken heart". It was the weekend, so I guess she really soaked it all in after a couple days of a break.
Last night at dinner, she tells us she's going to have a talk with both of her friends. It started with talking to the nice friend, about how they make her feel left out. And it hurts her feelings when they are eating lunch and friend nasty friend tells other friend to be done, and they up and leave H. I told her, who wouldn't feel hurt and left out? That's normal. I also let her know that it's not normal to be mean and inconsiderate, but unfortunately, it's common.
I'm going to fast forward. I pick H up from school today and she CANNOT WAIT to tell me about her day. My first thought was that nasty friend decided to be nice, and all was well. Boy, could I not be more wrong. H told both of her friends that she needed to talk to them. She said the conversation took up their entire lunch recess.
She started by telling them that they've been friends for so long, friends should be able to tell each other anything. She proceeded with examples of how they leave her out and make her feel sad and unwanted. Whispers, private jokes, ditching her at lunch. But also put it on nasty friend, for being "bossy and pushy". Told her that she cannot force people to do things they don't want. And maybe nice friend wants to do those things to H, but at least they both should know that she is "an average kid, with average feelings, just like them." Holy Crap! It's all I could do to contain myself listening to her. She THEN proceeded to tell nasty, bossy friend that she needs to put herself in Freddy's shoes, and Gabriel's shoes. That spreading the rumor that Freddy has the "Freddy Touch" is NOT ok. And telling people that Gabriel is weird is NOT ok. And how would she feel if people said that about her. Nasty friend said she wouldn't care. She THEN told her that making fun of Shauna's clothes is no reason to not like Shauna, and no reason to treat Shauna bad. She THEN told her she is NOT ok with being around her while she's treating her bad or being mean to others. She THEN told nasty friend, it's not worth it to be friends with her anymore. SHOCK. SHOCK. SHOCK. This blew my mind. This whole conversation blew my mind. Other than me telling her, if she's so bugged by how they leave her out, to tell them. And in no way would we stand for her making fun of kids, ever..even if in play, she comprised this conversation ALL ON HER OWN. She made such a grown up decision. And also, stood up for herself, and for others. I imagine that wasn't easy. I imagine her gut was riddled all weekend (because I know her!). But good grief, she must've been really fed up. When all was said and done, nice friend asked if they are still friends. She said "of course, but you can't leave me out and tell secrets in front of my face if we are going to be friends". Right before she walked away, she also let nasty friend know it's time to quit making fun of her last name. Who knows why, but the girl makes fun of it.
After H unloaded all of this, I praised her. Tried my best to love on her (she's not affectionate and isn't really into that!), and let her know that girls are DRAMA. That this will not be the first, or last time, that she's going to feel all of these emotions. She's going to get upset, get treated bad, get her feelings hurt, get left out, and on and on. But if she can always remember to be true to herself, she will be the winner in the end. And then there's the flip-side paranoid mom in me, that worries so bad about the fallout from her honesty. She is blatantly honest to a fault. And it scares the bejeezis out of me that if she is too honest, it could become a really bad situation for her. Such a fine line, and a hard one to try and explain to her, all the while supporting her.
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