On her own..H

My oldest daughter, H, is 10 years old. I've abbreviated her name, not on purpose. She prefers to go by H, plain and simple. I gave my kids names that couldn't be 'nicked', as I always hated having a nickname. And lo and behold the girl condenses hers down as far as it can go!
H was diagnosed with Autism about 5 1/2 yrs ago. Many folks, teachers, family members, love to tell me how they just can't tell she's "Autistic". Which is a word that I loathe in and of itself. That she seems so 'normal', until they get to know her, then they understand. Once in awhile I feel like replying, "Hey asshole, I didn't think you were an idiot. But once I got to know you, I totally get it now". But I'd never, as that wouldn't make me any better than them. Although, I wouldn't put it past me. I'm sure someday I'll say it. But truly, to try and figure out the varying realm of the Autism spectrum is quite puzzling. Hence the worldwide logo being a puzzle piece, I s'pose.
I've totally digressed. And multiple times up there. Good luck trying to decipher my own circular thoughts. (Save for another post down the road!)
H has had friend 'issues' since Kindergarten. Not really problems with friends, just doesn't really have friends. Now that being said...you walk down a hallway at her school with her and everyone is very friendly. Shouts of "hi", quick questions or "see you tomorrow" bounce off the walls. But when it comes to an actual connection with her peers, she's lacking.
One of the most obvious forms of Autism, to people who don't know much about it, is social interaction. So it's not like this comes out of left field. However, I can name plenty of typical kids, who seem to struggle socially too. H really has a hard time making a connection, keeping focus and staying relevant. She also struggles with expression.
And that concludes my preface.

H has this friend. They've been on and off friends for a couple years. Only "off" when said friend decides it's a no friend day. Or week. This little girl is an only child. And she is bossy. And quite honestly, she's not even a 'popular' girl who's up on the latest and greatest. She's just found two girls that she can manipulate seven ways to Sunday. H is friends with her, and one other little girl that she's been friends with since Kindergarten. Other friend is a lot like Hayden in the sense that she's a follower. Hayden is a follower. The friend, the not-so-nice-friend has decided at times to make fun of H's "Autistic". And that's literally how she does it, says it. "H, what's wrong with your Autistic today?" "HaHa, H's Autistic makes her not smart. Makes her go to resource". Blah blah blah. H's shed many tears over this. And rightfully so. I've shed many tears over this. And rightfully so.
Sadly, you see, I'm not too terribly surprised by it. Hurt. Yes. Sad. Yes. Surprised. No.
One day friend's Dad and I took the girls to a special playdate. While we were at this special playdate he proceeds to ask me if H has "The Autism". A friend of his wife's told them that H has "The Autism" after they noticed she was at this little girl's birthday party in 2013. I obliged him and told him she does. He asked me what's affected by "The Autism" with H, and I told him that one of the biggest challenges for her is people not understanding, truly, what Autism is, and making judgement against her. Thinking she's Weird, Rude, Ignorant.
As a mother, I'd love to protect my baby, coddle her, roll her up like a teeny tiny burrito and rock her til the hurt goes away like I did when she was little. I also wouldn't mind giving this friend's parents a piece of my mind. But..that's teaching her nothing. So when she comes home and makes small mention of how friend treated her that day, I give her the response I think I need to be. When she comes home and tells me how friend told her she needs to be treating others. I get a bit amp'd, reminding her that she's been on the receiving end of that type of behavior, and ask her how it felt. I don't know what she processes, or how well she does. Or maybe I didn't. Until today.
Since last Thursday, little bits of friend's nastiness have been disclosed to me. Then tears. Next, what H calls her "broken heart". It was the weekend, so I guess she really soaked it all in after a couple days of a break.
Last night at dinner, she tells us she's going to have a talk with both of her friends. It started with talking to the nice friend, about how they make her feel left out. And it hurts her feelings when they are eating lunch and friend nasty friend tells other friend to be done, and they up and leave H. I told her, who wouldn't feel hurt and left out? That's normal. I also let her know that it's not normal to be mean and inconsiderate, but unfortunately, it's common.
I'm going to fast forward. I pick H up from school today and she CANNOT WAIT to tell me about her day. My first thought was that nasty friend decided to be nice, and all was well. Boy, could I not be more wrong. H told both of her friends that she needed to talk to them. She said the conversation took up their entire lunch recess.
She started by telling them that they've been friends for so long, friends should be able to tell each other anything. She proceeded with examples of how they leave her out and make her feel sad and unwanted. Whispers, private jokes, ditching her at lunch. But also put it on nasty friend, for being "bossy and pushy". Told her that she cannot force people to do things they don't want. And maybe nice friend wants to do those things to H, but at least they both should know that she is "an average kid, with average feelings, just like them." Holy Crap! It's all I could do to contain myself listening to her. She THEN proceeded to tell nasty, bossy friend that she needs to put herself in Freddy's shoes, and Gabriel's shoes. That spreading the rumor that Freddy has the "Freddy Touch" is NOT ok. And telling people that Gabriel is weird is NOT ok. And how would she feel if people said that about her. Nasty friend said she wouldn't care. She THEN told her that making fun of Shauna's clothes is no reason to not like Shauna, and no reason to treat Shauna bad. She THEN told her she is NOT ok with being around her while she's treating her bad or being mean to others. She THEN told nasty friend, it's not worth it to be friends with her anymore. SHOCK. SHOCK. SHOCK. This blew my mind. This whole conversation blew my mind. Other than me telling her, if she's so bugged by how they leave her out, to tell them. And in no way would we stand for her making fun of kids, ever..even if in play, she comprised this conversation ALL ON HER OWN. She made such a grown up decision. And also, stood up for herself, and for others. I imagine that wasn't easy. I imagine her gut was riddled all weekend (because I know her!). But good grief, she must've been really fed up. When all was said and done, nice friend asked if they are still friends. She said "of course, but you can't leave me out and tell secrets in front of my face if we are going to be friends". Right before she walked away, she also let nasty friend know it's time to quit making fun of her last name. Who knows why, but the girl makes fun of it.

After H unloaded all of this, I praised her. Tried my best to love on her (she's not affectionate and isn't really into that!), and let her know that girls are DRAMA. That this will not be the first, or last time, that she's going to feel all of these emotions. She's going to get upset, get treated bad, get her feelings hurt, get left out, and on and on. But if she can always remember to be true to herself, she will be the winner in the end. And then there's the flip-side paranoid mom in me, that worries so bad about the fallout from her honesty. She is blatantly honest to a fault. And it scares the bejeezis out of me that if she is too honest, it could become a really bad situation for her. Such a fine line, and a hard one to try and explain to her, all the while supporting her.